


Uke or Seme?

by sweetasblackcoffee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Book - Freeform, M/M, Magical Book, Multi, Uke or Seme?, and other ships too, other characters will be added later on, this is some really weird crap, top or bottom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetasblackcoffee/pseuds/sweetasblackcoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only the poor souls of the Survey Corps knew how much a single book could ruin their day (and ties with their friends) with just a brief ‘survey’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Armin Arlert

**Author's Note:**

> Why, hello. So this is the first SnK fanfic I’ve ever posted anywhere and it’s kinda crack and maybe a lil’ OOC. My writing is rusty so forgive me if it is shit.
> 
> Based off an Ouran Highschool Host Club fanfic with the same name by author FailingDemi on FF.net. I used the same questions as her, but she used only a select few questions off some quiz she found.
> 
> I was drowning in Ouran nostalgia and stumbled upon this fic once again, and thought it’d be hilarious if our own beloved SnK characters endured the same torture. So there you go.

A blonde boy was busy dusting off the shelves in the castle’s small library, courtesy of his superior whom gave the order to clean the castle. _Again._ This young man went by the name Armin Arlert, and he was almost done with his dusting job until he found a lone book laying on the ground.

His eyebrows furrowed in brief thought. _Did it fall out?_

Stepping over to it, Armin picked up the book and checked its spine, trying to figure out which section the book belonged in. However, to his surprise, the spine was bare from words, the dark forest green cover only visible. His eyebrows furrowed again and he checked its front; there was no author or any telltale sign of where it belonged, but rather a title written in blazing orange: **Uke or Seme?**

Curiosity prodded Armin’s brain – the only word in that title he knew was ‘or’ – and he tentatively flipped the cover. There was no title page, he noted, instead a completely blank page aside from the letters in bold that read:

**Please take out a pencil.**

He raised his eyebrow and then flipped the wad of pages between his fingers. Surprisingly, all pages in the book were completely blank, and when he returned to the front page he jolted when he saw the text was different.

**Come on now, this is a fun lil’ test!**

“Uh…"

He jumped again as he saw the letters fade away to be replaced by new ones.

**I don’t have all day, can we do this or not?**

Though his brain screamed for him to shut the book and put it away, or perhaps give it to Hanji to analyse it, some part of him said that he should try this. So, pulling out a pencil from his pocket, he leaned his back against a shelf, flipped to the next page, and hovered his pencil over the paper.

**The Basics: What’s your name?**

_'Armin Arlert’_

He was yet again surprised to find his answer disappear along with the question.

**Second Question: Who do you care for?**

He blinked. Who does he care for? Armin cared for everyone in his squad, particularly his two best friends. So that’s the answer, right? His two childhood friends—

**You can only pick one, by the way.**

Well damn. He bit his lip in thought. Who could he pick? He guessed that he couldn’t really offend either of them since he’s writing his answers in a book, but he cared for them both equally. But he _does_ worry about Eren _slightly_ more, considering that, unlike Mikasa, he isn’t one of Humanity’s Strongest and can’t hold his ground as well.

With reluctance, Armin scribbled down his answer.

_'Eren Jaeger'_

And once again the question and his answer disappeared. He was seriously wondering what type of book this was now…

**Okay, now that we know who you are, do you like licking things?**

Armin never figured he’d choke on his own spit.

He stared at the question in something akin to disgusted horror, before his eyes softened to mild curiosity. It was certainly an odd question, but what did it mean? What did it particularly mean by 'things’?

His mind blank of what it could mean, he wrote his answer.

_'I don't…'_

**2\. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

He tapped the eraser of his pencil to his chin. Toy? The only thing he could think of was back when he was a kid and was bullied a lot. Certainly he did not enjoy those times, at all.

_'No, not at all.’_

**3\. Have you ever tied someone up?**

_What’s with these questions?_

_'No.'_

**4\. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

_'No!’_

**5\. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

Armin stared. And stared. And _stared_.

Partner? What did it mean by partner? Wait—did the book mean Eren?!

Feeling a light blush dust his cheeks, he decided to figure out the book’s wording later. Would he feel bothered if he took advantage of him? Depends really on the situation, he thought. Considering Eren was Humanity’s Last Hope, there were times they needed to take advantage of him, but it was all in the name of humanity. Still didn’t mean it felt completely right.

_'Sometimes.’_

**6\. Do you like alcohol?**

_'Not really.’_

**7\. How do you eat your ice cream?**

He never had ice cream before. Cream and the like were expensive items, and ice cream was a food that people ate in the interior for dessert, Armin heard, but he never had any himself.

_The joys of being a soldier._

The closest thing he’s had to ice cream, though, he relented, was the pudding they were once served in the Trainee Corps. It was a special treat and he remembered it tasted _divine_. _I wonder if I’ll ever have some again…_

Looking down at the question again, he bit his lip and wrote his answer.

_'With a spoon.’_

**8\. What gift would you give your partner?**

Eren didn’t really particularly like any type of item, so Armin was generally clueless of what to give him when gift giving days came. He usually wound up giving him a book or perhaps some cool trinket he found in the market place. Eren was pretty much happy with whatever. But if it was one thing Armin knew Eren would love to see…

_'Something from the outside world.’_

**9\. What’s your ideal pet to have?**

Pets? Armin never owned a pet, but he remembered a neighbour of his used to have a small bird in a cage. It used to adorably squeak and it was really funny to watch it, he remembered.

_'I’m not really a pet person, but birds are not that bad.'_

**10\. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**

He goes to the headquarter’s mess hall every day to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner; that’s sort of like a restaurant, right?

_'Politely ask for what I’d like.’_

**11\. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response?**

_'Just tell them it’s okay and eat what I get.’_

**12\. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**

Someone checking out Eren? Huh. Well, Eren is a rather attractive individual, and he has received his fair share of looks. Armin just never really pointed it out.

_'Nothing.'_

**13\. Do you find yourself top or bottom?**

The light blush from earlier bombarded itself to a dark red hue on the blonde’s face, and Armin found himself beyond speechless. What the heck did it mean by top or bottom?! Of course, the Arlert already knew, but he couldn’t believe that a _book_ would ask something…so atrocious!

His mind whirred with half-baked thoughts as he tried to figure out what the whole test was about. He realised, to his complete mortification, that the test was about whether he’d be top or bottom in a relationship with _Eren_. Oh my god, he couldn’t believe he actually wrote some of his thoughts in there!

But nonetheless, he wrote the painstaking truth.

_'Bottom.’_

Then it disappeared, and a block of text appeared in its wake.

**You are…Armin Arlert. And your partner in love is Eren Jaeger. You hate being a toy, but when it comes to your partner, you wouldn’t mind being toyed around a little.**

He could feel beads of sweat appearing by his brow.

**However, you hate being tied up and wouldn’t want to bring the same discomfort to your partner. When you’re with your partner, you do not take advantage of him unless it’s everyone’s own good, and you feel guilty whenever you do such a thing.**

Armin wasn’t sure when his jaw dropped.

**The best gift you’d give your partner is something from a land faraway, for you know your partner seeks adventure somewhere far off rather than the contained space of home. The gift would give your lover comfort, and would make the both of you happy.**

_How the fudge…_

**You’re not the picky type and if anyone looks at your partner, you will do nothing, for you think he deserves the attention he gets.**

**You are a full on uke, there’s no doubt about it, and an innocent one at that. (But, at times, you will see things from a darker perspective.)**

"U-Uh…"

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, beware of gas canisters.**

Slamming the book shut, the Arlert shot off from his position by the shelf and began to whiz out from the room, his mind active with thoughts once again.

_What’s with this book?! Oh god, I should just put it away and just forget about it…_

As he was walking, he happened to pass beneath Jean who was cleaning the outside of the windows on the second floor, hoisted up by his gear. Unfortunately, he hadn’t clicked in his left gas canister properly after he had filled it earlier, and ever so slowly, the cylindrical tank was slipping out from its holster. And equally unfortunately, it just happened to slip completely out when the young Arlert was right beneath Jean.

Armin only remembered Eren’s shout before he fell unconscious.


	2. Eren Jaeger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I received so much unexpected love for this...! Makes me quite happy.
> 
> I had chapter two ready, and I have a bunch of time on my hands, so I have decided to post the next chapter~
> 
> Oh, and an important note for you readers: each chapter centers on one character each, and this a multi-ship fic. The Eremin action stops after this for now, but it will return later, do not worry~! Sorry for you all who asked for more Armin, I'm sorry, but he will be back. 
> 
> So here it is~

“Dammit Horseface, this is all your fucking fault!”

“Hey, hey! I didn’t know my gas canister was going to slip out!" 

"You should’ve checked then!" 

"Shut it, Jaeger! I already said I was going to apologise!" 

After Armin had fallen limp to the ground like a rag doll, the two soldiers had immediately panicked and dragged their fallen comrade’s body to Hanji’s, trying not to notice the huge protruding bump forming on the Arlert’s scalp. Once there, the scientist had quenched their worries with a light-hearted laugh; the boy had received a concussion and probably would be out for a few hours, but otherwise he’d be fine. Jean was thankful that he decided to only partially fill his tanks for the day. 

As Armin laid unconscious on the infirmary, the two…er…'friends’ started to have a full blown argument. Eventually, Jean, done with ‘Jäger’s fucking bullshit’, decided to leave with a promise that he’d return once Armin woke so he could apologise. Now Eren was alone in the infirmary room, his unconscious friend and a forest green book his only company. 

He checked over the aforementioned book in his hands, teal eyes lit with curiosity. The book was odd, to say the least, even for Armin’s bookworm standards. From the outside alone, Eren couldn’t decipher what the heck the book could be out, for it was bare besides the title in blazing orange block letters:  **Uke or Seme?**

Unfortunately, the boy had no idea what those words meant. 

Thinking that he might find some clues on the inside, he thumbed off the front cover to see the first page. 

**Oi! Stop staring like some idiot and take out something to write with.**

_What the—?_

**I’m wai-ting. COME ON.**

Eren was confused, but, biding to the book’s will, he reached over to the bed’s side table and pulled open its drawer. Conveniently, a wad of paper with a couple of sharpened pencils were already there, so he plucked one out as he flipped to the next page, sharpened tip poised over the paper. 

**The Basics: What’s your name?**

_'Eren Jaeger'_

Fading onto the page beneath his name were the words: _'Armin Arlert'_

"What the— Armin did this?” The brunette knitted his eyebrows together in confusion. “And how the heck did the words just appear—" 

He nearly yelped when he saw the answers disappear and a new question come in their stead. 

**Second Question: Who do you care about?**

"Huh, easy,” he mumbled, ready to scribble his answer. “Armin and Mik—" 

He was confused when a new sentence appeared. 

**You can only pick one. **

Crap. 

Who was he going to write now? They were both his childhood friends and his only family left, he didn’t prefer one over the other. But Mikasa  _was_ sometimes a bit annoying with her worrying… 

Spurred by that thought and his worry for his friend, he wrote down: 

 _'Armin Arlert’_  

_ 'Eren Jaeger'  _

"Huh." 

Milliseconds later, the letters faded from the page. 

**Okay, since we figured who you are, do you like licking things?**

"What the…?!”  _WHAT?!_  

What in the world did it mean by that?! 

Once again his eyebrows met, his fingers thoughtfully scratching his scalp. He lolled his head back and stared at the ceiling, as if it would provide an answer (unfortunately, all he could see were the wooden beams that seemed to flake at the edges). Does he like to lick things? No, not really. 

He averted his attention back to the page. 

 _'No.’_  

_ 'I don't…'  _

Good to know he and Armin think alike about licking things, he supposes. 

**2\. Do you enjoy being used as a toy?**

_…how are those two relevant?_  

Being used as a toy? If it means what he thinks it means, then: ew, god no. 

 _'Ew, no.’_  

 _'No, not at all.'_  

**3\. Have you ever tied someone up?**

_'…no? Why would I?’_  

 _'No.'_  

**4\. Have YOU ever been tied up?**

He thought for a moment, tapping the now blunt tip against the paper.  _Not with rope_ , he thought and held his writing instrument up. 

 _'I’ve been chained before. Close enough, right?’_  

 _'No!'_  

**5\. Would you feel bothered if you took advantage of your partner?**

_Wait, what?_

Partner? What the hell did it mean by that?! 

The brunette thought for a few seconds. 

A blush sprung up his face. 

 _Armin?! Does the book mean **Armin**?!_  

Well, duh. 

As if flipped by a switch, his hand began to furiously scribble in his answer. 

 _'I wouldn’t take advantage of him! He’s my best friend, of course I’d be bothered! Since when would I take advantage of him anyway?!’_  

Satisfied, he slammed his implement onto the page. 

Then, as if on cue, his friend’s own words appeared: _'Sometimes.'_  

His jaw dropped in stupefied shock until a light glare settled on the bedridden blonde. “Armin—!” He shut himself up – after all, there was no use yelling at this unconscious friend – and decided to glare at the book.  _When you wake up Armin I’m so going to talk to you about this._

 **6\. Do you like alcohol?**  

 _'I’ll drink some if I’m at some celebration, but otherwise no.’_  

 _'Not really.'_  

**7\. How do you eat your ice cream?**

_'Never had any.’_  

_ 'With a spoon.'  _

He glanced at Armin, question in his eyes. “Since when did you have ice cream?" 

 **8\. What gift would you give your partner?**  

Armin was a major bookworm, everyone knew that. 

 _'I’d try to find some interesting book for him. He likes those.’_  

 _'Something from the outside world.'_  

He couldn’t help but feel a small smile quirk at his lips. 

 **9\. What’s your ideal pet to have?**  

 _'Dogs are cool.’_  

 _'I’m not really a pet person, but birds are not that bad.'_  

 **10\. You must order at a restaurant, how do you order?**  

 _'Say what I want, simple enough.’_  

 _'Politely ask for what I’d like.'_  

 _Heh, typical Armin._  

**11\. The waiter/waitress brought the wrong dish to you. Your response?**

_'Food is kind of scarce as it is. I’d be fine with whatever I get.’_  

 _'Just tell them it’s okay and eat what I get.'_  

 **12\. Someone is checking out your partner. Your course of action?**  

 _Check out?_  Eren drifted his gaze away from the page and onto Armin, face scrunched up in thought. He has never really seen anyone check out Armin besides from the scornful looks of bullies, but he has heard girls comment about how much Armin looks like one of their own. But, if someone was checking him out, good for him. 

 _'Nothing, really. Maybe I’d point it out to him and see what he’d do.’_  

 _'Nothing.'_  

**13\. Do you find yourself top or bottom?**

"HUH—?" 

His surprised cry was cut short by his own hand as slapped it over his mouth, hearing the pitiful grunt that escaped from his wounded friend. Swallowing down a lump in his throat, Eren looked back at the page and stared long and hard at the question.

_Top or bottom…?! What’s with this book?!_

"…uh…" 

**Okay, I know for a fact you know what I mean. So can you hurry the hell up and write your damn answer already?!**

"That’s a rather personal question,” Eren tried to say steadily, but instead it came out more as a squeak.  _Why am I talking to a book?_

**Just answer.**

Unsure, the Jaeger cautiously wrote a reply with nervous fingers. 

 _'Uh…top…?’_  

His friend’s answer soon followed suit: _'Bottom.'_  

The green-eyed boy looked at his friend. “You really don’t have faith in your manliness, huh, Armin?" 

As he brought his gaze back to the open book in his lap, he noticed that a block of text had arrived. 

 **You are…Eren Jaeger. And your partner in love is Armin Arlert.**  

His jaw dropped. "WHAT?!" 

**You hate being a toy and don’t really like to play with people, but when it comes to the bedroom, you’d love to hear your partner beg for playtime.**

_HOW DID IT GET THAT?! _

**However, you do seem to own a kink for being tied up, and that is the only time you ever let your lover toy around with you. You yearn for each other’s playful treatments, yet you never take advantage of your partner, for the guilt would weigh heavily in your mind if you did.**

He stood up, fingers clenching into the weak paper that it threatened to tear. 

**The best gift you’d give your lover is a book, for he is an intellectual individual and his thirst for knowledge is, admittedly, a kink of yours. You love it when your lover recites phrases from books you wouldn’t dare to touch, and you also love how he seems to have an answer for everything. You aren’t picky and if someone dared to look at your partner, you’d point out the culprit to your partner, for you trust them to handle the situation on their own and still stay loyal to you.**

_I need matches. This book deserves to **burn**. _

**You are a strong-hearted seme that could also possibly be an uke if you found another partner, one who is stronger than you, but for the time being you’re happy with your current lover.**

Eren was storming toward the door, ready to hunt down some matches. 

**You will be struck by misfortune no sooner than soon. By the way, stay clear from windows.**

The brunette yanked the door open, but instead of being greeted by an empty hall, stunned charcoal eyes met his. Instinctively, the boy let out a yelp and begun to stumble back, until his foot landed on a particular dented floorboard and he fell onto the floor. 

Mikasa Ackerman, in only a sports bra and training shorts after a spar session with the Captain, sped to her brother’s side and knelt next to him, worry painted across her features. "Eren,” she said, concern clear in her voice as she helped him sit up. “Are you okay?" 

"I’m fine!” Eren snapped and brushed her arm off him. The brunette hoisted himself up and irritably dusted off his clothes, a habit he picked up after Levi’s many comments of his filth whenever he picked himself off the ground from a spar session. Still obviously irritated, he shoved the book in her hands with a scowl. “Just take that– that  _blasted porno book_  away from me!" 

Tragically, the shove had more momentum in his arms than his body was prepared for, and he started to tumble back again and hit the sill of a conveniently open window. His body, still not recovered from the momentum, began to tip back, and he helplessly grasped at air and Mikasa’s an-inch-too-far-away shot out hand as he started to fall from the second story window.

Thankfully, a rose bush cushioned his fall. 

But then again, there were the thorns. 

**"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT _OW_!”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: I've changed my mind and decided to do Eruri instead; it's probably my biggest NOTP in the fandom but it would be a lot more hilarious, I realised. 
> 
> SO NEXT TIME: YumiKuri, followed by Eruri then the last chapter! B]
> 
> Seeya next time~ (I hope)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this trash.


End file.
